(I have been meaning to say a large number of times how much a lot of what you write resonates with me. Alas, I have too much brain fog and I never got to the point of putting any of it into coherent sentences. Now, this is relatively easy to say: I'm torn between admiring L and doubting she really knows what she's doing. Can you please be concerned about your potential hurts more than hers? Kudos to her for admitting hurt and letting you apologise, but ... is she fully aware how (probably) asymmetrical this "hurting each other" is, how destructive these hurts are on your side? at least they seem pretty destructive from what I see you posting...)