I actually 100% agree with you. And so would L. My apologies didn’t come up because she said I hurt her. In fact, she has never said I did. She said she was going to think on my apologies, process them in her own therapy, and let me know if something did hurt her. She said she didn’t want me to punish myself or to make me all bad and her all good. She said I had valid reasons to hurt and she listed many of them. She said that I even had valid reasons to question if I could stay in the relationship. She said that was healthy for me to know that it was an option to leave. That I wasn’t stuck.

It’s been me holding the shame over how I treated her. How I was punishing her. I took my pain out on her. And I held her responsible for my own pains. She simply accidentally got pregnant at a really bad time for me. She was my trigger, but she really did nothing wrong. In fact, she took everything I threw at her. She didn’t punish me at any point. She remained supportive while taking all the blame, all the anger, all the pain.

I’m not saying her actions and decisions didn’t hurt me. But I am responsible for what I did with that pain. I really feel like I completely overreacted. And for some reason I felt justified. My feelings were priority. And while that’s the expectation in therapy, she is still a human being, who I love, who deserved so much more grace and respect than I gave to her.

I think I’m finally putting things into perspective. She didn’t intentionally hurt me. She has done everything in her power to be there and help me. She is a good person. And I value her and our relationship over whatever hurt she may have caused. Her emergency the other week made me realize all of this. Not that this is all a new concept, but more a confirmation of what I’ve been feeling on and off over time. None of us are perfect. We are all messy. And I really value my relationship with her. I’m not trying to punish myself and I’m not saying she didn’t hurt me. But for me to actually feel better about myself, I want and need to make amends. Even if that just means apologies. Being responsible for my part of the “dance”.

The pain she triggered was very destructive to me. Her getting pregnant on accident when she did and then it being a little girl… With my maternal transference with her, my intense attachment, my deepest griefs of not having a mother and my infertility, caused me so much pain and grief. But did she actually do anything wrong? And even if so, did she deserve to be punished and held responsible for my pain for 10 months?

I just feel so much guilt. I want to be a better person than I was. I want to grow from this, not ignore it. I don’t want this to go to waste.