Hi,

I suffered from depression and anxiety for many years. I have seen a number of therapists off and on for a number of years. I have done pretty much all therapies from CBT to psychoanalysis to energy psychology. They each had their strengths and weaknesses. I even studied psychology at uni. In the end, I sort of found my own way of coping with my problems. I discovered a lot of my panick attacks and migraines had to do with my diet and liquid intake. I learned slowly to find the triggers and work around them or avoid them. I finally reached a point in my life where I no longer suffered from panic attacks or depression or general anxiety.

Thing is the battle left its scars. I am overweight. I lost my femininity. I developed a shyness around people. I am terrified of returning to work. I went from feeling like a big fuzzy cloud of terror and confusion to having a set of issues relating to getting on with my life after mental health issues.

So, I thought to myself, I could use the help and the accountability I would get from going to a therapist. Someone to talk about my weight issues and to challenge me and keep me motivated. I have gone to one therapist but I didn't like her. I ought to go back to the doctor and ask for a new referral but I don't seem to be able to become motivated. I can't help it, after years of therapies and therapists, I just can't be bothered getting back into 'the game'. I can't be bothered telling another therapist my history, or trying to force myself to talk about 'my issues'. To tell the truth, I don't want to hear my own crap anymore. I am sick of rehashing old feelings which are still there but I just don't want to deal with anymore.

I don't know, maybe I don't trust people anymore. Most of those therapists did nothing from me but collect money. I helped me. I used a few things they told me, sure, but really when you tell someone your stuff, they automatically feel like they get you and can advise you what to do, like they are living in your skin. That is why I didn't like the last therapist. I told her my situation, how I wanted to lose weight, but she also wanted to know about my life. I am taking care of a lot of people and I am something of a doormat. Well, she was all over me. I had to stand up for myself and say no, I had to change things, etc. She was sooo gunho that it freaked me out. I have two elderly and disabled parents, I can't say no to them. I have a sister who sucks at taking responsibility, I can't say no to her either, not because of her but because I am raising her two children. If I say no to her, she takes it out on the kids and she may get so defensive that she will take the kids and leave. I'm the only stability those children have.

Meanwhile, the doctors are telling me I am going to drop dead if I don't lose the weight. I don't mind dropping dead, hey I spent most of my life wanting that, so it doesn't freak me out. The problem is that I have to stay alive long enough for those children to at least get into their late teens which is another ten years away. I don't mind going after that. My parents will have died by then. I don't have anything to live for after that. I don't have kids of my own and no partner. I am not planning on suiciding but with my weight, without my meds, my heart will give out.

Gosh, I know that is depressing, but I don't feel depressed. I am functioning okay, I laugh, play, I enjoy being around people, etc. So I am not depressed. Considering the difficulties I have and have had, I think it is a pretty good outcome solution. Of course, there is always the possibility that some fool will come by and fall in love with me and ruin my plan. But I am not sure I believe in miracles. Judging from my life, I am pretty confident, it isn't going to happen.

Sorry, this is so long, I'm venting, I suppose.

Anyway, I don't want to go to therapy, I don't think it can do anything for me. I feel like I am beyond help now. I can't seem to change anything about myself. I am coping so why go back.

I don't know. I don't know. Part of me feels like I need to go and part of me is thinking run for the hills.

If you have managed to read up to this point, what do you think? I'm in my 40s, am I getting a little too old or too over it, to go back again? Just the fact that I am fed up with the idea of going back to a therapist might be an indication that it won't be successful. One ought to be motivated to change?

Clarity.