I can relate to you. I've tried everything last 45 years to break out of my rut and turned to everyone and nothing has helped. I'm 61 and haven't felt like myself since I was 14. I have trouble relating to myself and others and uncomfortable.
And I worked in many places and ran into problems. Working for USAF was horrible with lots of egotistical people who criticized me.

I feel the same. I'm still waiting for something "real" to happen in life and seems like it never happens. And I don't want to die unhappy but afraid that's what might happen.
I used to swim, too. I wonder what it's like to swim in Sweden.