It was an active and messy day with a rushed breakfast out, a visit to an art gallery downtown, a rushed lunch out, public transit and taxi stress for the duration, and socializing with F. What is wrong with me that i can't stay still? I was far too active today, and i *DID* try and be mindful, and rest on benches, and take stimulation breaks by closing my eyes, and wore my noise-cancelling earpods. I am still left feeling rattled and hectic.

City living, living in a metropolis, and the swarms of people today were so unpleasant. I think adventures in the city might be beyond me because i'm in menopause now. I just want a quiet private backyard to enjoy the Summer day in, and sit in an Adirondack chair and chill.

There's no privacy in this building unless i stay behind my locked door in my man-made home, where there is no nature. My darn balcony faces our twin tower, so there are thirty floors of people who could be looking at me, and i feel like a specimen under a microscope out there.

Unfortunately, F was a disappointment today and all my excitement about her has vanished. I'm just so done with struggling, struggling, struggling to develop a meaningful friendship, struggling with my feelings for men and sex, struggling to have a worthwhile life. I just want to relax and be satisfied with my life and not always be striving to improve it. I hope i can stay home more, it was really over-stimulating today. Stressful. Good stress, but stress is stress. Even too much good stress is unpleasant.

Still being really impulsive, blew a bunch of money on the Bumble app, fooling around with trying to find a man there. It just doesn't appeal to me, online dating. I can't start from ground zero with someone, a completely unknown entity. It's unnatural. We have to have something in common, and not just a desire for a mate.

Anyways, it's not practical or possible. With me being so darn FAT, there is no way a man will want to be with me. And no matter, I don't want a man, so we are in agreement.

I want LOVE, but there is no one. Strangers in the lobby, strangers in public, strangers on the crisis line, rejection from my neighbors, disappointment with F who i thought had such potential yesterday ~ i'm running myself ragged and i can't seem to stop. If i would just stop and acknowledge that my life is pretty great just as is, i would be so much happier. But no, this never-ending struggle to IMPROVE things.

I am my own "Project."

I feel like telling the world to just ffuucckk off.