Corbie,
I apologize for my delayed response. I typed up most of it last week and then my depression hit me real hard.

I’m sorry for the pains you have endured in therapy. And then having a therapist not come back from maternity leave would be abandonment. I understand that sometimes people just accidentally hurt each other because of our humanness, but sometimes it goes beyond that and are the choices we make.

I try to think that everything has a reason. At the very least, some lesson can be learned. Like the events lining up where I was able to meet L. In this situation, I think I need to learn to not be so judgmental and to own my own pain, among many other things.

I do see how my relationship with L is very risky. For both L and I. For me, I’m emotionally at risk and dealing with treatment resistant depression and often SI makes it even more risky. I’ve allowed myself to be completely vulnerable to her which is part of the reason for the enmeshment (which is a perfect word). But she has also allowed it. She has admitted that she could lose her job over things in our relationship. It’s not all just my attachment/transference. She has it too. Her looser boundaries helped create this dynamic. I’m not putting all the blame on her. I’m also allowing this relationship to continue. But she has a part. As she says, it’s a two-way relationship.

Yes, she does her own therapy. At her business, they have group meetings to consult with each other and she has brought up my case. I also know she talks to her business partner and to another therapist friend in a different state. All of this confidentially of course. Like her friend was the one who suggested holding hands when we couldn’t hug during Covid. And when I thought I had cirrhosis of the liver, she asked for permission to get support from her partner. So my relationship with her isn’t like a total secret. But I also don’t know what has actually been shared.