Um, Hi everyone.

Haven't posted here in a long time, forgive me for not being here to support you all...hope ok to be back.

Anyway, my mental health as a whole, with my myriad of dxs has been...crushing.

My ED?

Well, I had hidden my 70 dollar scale somewhere, but found it and was all at once gleefully.and excited, and terrified, as my body dishisys me, I have how I look in any clothes...so, I was really afraid of that number, and when I finally stepped on the scale I was of course horrified.

Ran to check my BMI and I am a healthy weight, bjt so many circumstances in my life over the past year have left me still desperately missing being completely emaciated and sick...

But, I have been eating.
Not much, far less calories to sustain human life, so I guess anorexia is whispering at me, Co trolli g my actions.

I have c*t out while food groups, but all this does.t seem concious...

I dunno.

And now...I have no food in the house, no money...called a place that delivers food hampers but they refused me.

Poverty is triggering me.

I think u til this very moment, sharing with you all, I have a little insight about all this, and can only admit to now..

My very maladaptive a.d potentially d**dly coping mechanism has me in its sharp talons again.

Two days ago, I went no contact with the guy I have been in a relationship with fir almost decade.
He crossed my boundaries fir the last time.
Not the place to get into it here, but the thing is, he kept making me food,or taking me out for x or x...a d I would eat it with gratitude, but...not without fear, resentment of him which made me feel ashamed, and an intense fear if getting f*t...

Anyway, the reason ( And I ask for your support that this time I stick to no contact with him) I ended things is not really about my ED...or us it, some of it?

He always made comments about my body " to boost your confidence ", he kept doing this even though I have repeatedly set a boundary that I do not want anyone commenting on my body...

Ugh...this is such a babbling nonsensical post, forgive me.

The only other thing I wanted to share is that a few weeks ago, broke, hungry I went to eat at a drop in that serves meals.

Um so...( This is humiliating to even type and share here) one of the volunteers POINTED AT MY STOMACH AND SAID,OH,YOURE PREGNANT?

To be fair I suppose she worried my baby she thought I was carrying wasn't getting enough nutrition but I was still mortified and wanted to cry and cry.

So...I am not sure how I am doing...

I have therapy on Monday thank God, but there is SO MUCH to cover in that 50 minute hour, di I even bring this up to Dr.S?

I feel like there are more pressing issues.

However he usually asks me every session how "active" my eating disorder is.

I guess, indeed it is "active".

It snuck up on me.

Have been engaging in other behaviours as well so...

I am sick.

I remain sick after just turning half a century old, and "lived" a lifetime in this (sickly soothing) disease.

Alright, I will spare you all anymore of my nonsense.

Thank you for reading if you have, and I wish fir you all strength to keep fighting.