Good morning everyone, ( at least it is morning here)...yeah, me again.

Forgive me,I have literally nobody to talk to.
I don't really want to call a crisis line...I will of enough desperation sets in, but thought I would check in here, as..I am not doing too well.

I had to get out of .my stifling dump of an apartment so here I am, on a bench in the shade, having made a very bad choice.

I walked to the corner store, and with the last of my cash, did not pick up a couple cans of beans or whatever, but a toxic Dr Pepper zero and equally or more toxic cigarettes.

I was so proud of myself for quitting the filthy addiction ten years ago when my ex told me he would not go put with a smoker, but during my last inpatient admission( unrelated to my ED, I was just falling apart), I started to really crave cigarettes, I think triggerd by all the other smokers gathering outside the hospital at pass times, bonding while I sat alone drinking copious amounts of coffee...they brought to mind my admission in another city back when in hospital I turned 26, when the hospital's still had smoking rooms.

I too bonded with other patients over our shared addiction, and I missed that.

Anyway this has nothing to do with my ED so I am sorry for digressing..

The point us, I am completely faltering.
I am so, so anxious.
I am heeding the ED'S demands.

I stepped on the scale this morning, disappointed.

My body image is horrible.

I feel so lost and wholly alone in the world now that I have c*t ties with what's his face.

I almost unblocked and called him earlier but something told me not to.

Of course the lying ED promises me,"I am your best friend. I'm all you need."

My mind is already so twisted.

I have gone a thousand steps backwards.

And I despise myself.
Despise my body.

Don't feel like even trying to,"Do the next right thing."

I suppose I am depressed.

I need to cry and I can't.

I don't know what to do with all this time on my hands...another door the ED enters in...

A million seemingly happy go lucky people ( of course who knows what any other human being is wrestling with in their lives) having brunch with friends in the expensive cafes and restaurants and here I am, having gone x hours without eating, only feeling fleeting hunger cues, with nobody to support me, sit with me, eat with me.

Yes, need someone to hold my hand again.
Literally, figuratively..

What am I doing to myself again?

I wish I was someone else entirely.

My last really hard core IP therapist told me straight up that given the duration of my anorexia and how many times I have been in and out of treatment my chances of making a full recovery are, pardon the " pun"..."slim "...

Apparently.

I talked to Dr.S a couple days ago briefly about something else, but he did day I could call him again this week if I need to.

His receptionist is off fur the day at noon, and it's getting close to 11:30 AM here, so maybe one healthy and " wise mind" driven decision I will make right now is to go back " home" and leave him a message to please call me..

So, suppose will go and do that now..

Sorry for another really not at all positive post, but I am really struggling.

I needed a space to open up, so...that's it.

Thank you for reading if you have, and hope please take good care everyone.