I Facetimed with a guy i met online. He was masturbating, i could tell. Eeew! I blocked him. Then i dashed downtown to see my neighbor play in a drag/music/comedy/burlesque show. I just stayed for the drag and to see him perform. They let me in for free. I said hi to my neighbor before he went on and he high-fived me and gripped my hand, so he knows i was there. The drag was really fun.

Then i came home toute suite. On the way home i saw my other neighbor, another young guy, in the bus station. I called out to him from about twenty meters away. He heard his name, started to slow, looked up, saw it was me, and carried on without me. When i arrived at the bus stop, i stupidly joined him. He barely grunted, "How ya doing," while he scrolled his phone. I stood by him for several minutes like a dork, while he looked at his phone. Finally i moved away, because it was too awkward.

So that was TWO miserable experiences with men. I don't know why i try. I wish i wouldn't persist with them. What is wrong with me that i have these dreadful experiences and yet don't give up? I think it is my own masochism. There's no other explanation. I must like being hurt, feeling pain. At some level i must think i DESERVE it. No self-respecting woman would put up with this. I seek a man because i have low-self-esteem.

It's so unhealthy. I wish i would just become a lesbian.