It's 5:23 AM here and I woke up about an hour ago after a nightmare that my bathroom was filling up with water, and I was trying frantically to bail it out, with just my hands, fearing it was flooding the apartment below me.

Anyway back in my old familiar habit of jumping outta bed to hop on the scale.

I have lost weight.
That dopamine hit of seeing the number had dropped didn't stay with me long before I soon was lamenting what my body still looks and feels like.

Consequences-Still tired, lightheaded but that could be a combination of a calorie deficit and my very sedating meds.

There is breakfast until.8:30 AM at another drop in ( my old church runs it and I really don't like going there) and I know the " healthy choice" would be to get there and eat, but my head is telling me, in a loop, what an unhealthy f*ttening breakfast it is, wirh now " forbidden" foods. .

I am full of dread for the long ( inevitably too brightly sunny ) looming day, inwardly that frantic feeling is rising up in the doom, but for now . .

Even though I don't honestly feel hungry, my stomach is gurgling like mad, I am sure angry at ne for not listening to it, honoring ny body ( which I hate ), for my life long staved brain sending it a single that ," Oh, so we're in a famine again "...

I feel so stupid.

I am speeding on that bullet train to self destruction already and again...it's moving too fast, no bell to ring desperately to let me off...preferably in the middle of nowhere, to leave me alone in a field of daisies with a thunderstorm promised in the overcast sky, and...I, just...lying in the clover, screaming.

Blessings to all.