therapy is one thing... a relationship with a therapist who you can connect with can be quite another. can be hard to find those... really very hard... sometimes the key to change is acceptance. if someone can accept you *as* you are and *for who you are* then maybe you can accept yourself too. and then you will find yourself starting to care for yourself quite genuinely and naturally. the 'change change change' thing can recapitulate all those circumstances in our lives where people have tried to tell us what to do and tried to manipulate us into doing things that we didn't want to do or that we were ambivalent about.

if you are anything like me then the more people tell you to stop doing something (e.g., smoking, biting your nails, eating unhealthy food) the more i... really have to do it. and the more i hate myself... but the more i persist... and it isn't so nice. it is like... on some level i really hate myself and am trying to kill myself slowly... and i want to want to stop doing that but i don't really know how. sometimes... we really need to discover some acceptance and compassion and caring and kindness for ourself. and learn how to express that in healthy ways (doing things for ourself that feel good and that are good for us - can take time to figure those out and a therapist really can help). i just mean to say... that maybe instead of having a 'hard nosed' person who tries to 'pull your behavior into line' maybe you would be better off with someone who is genuinely caring who can show you how to care for yourself such that you are empowered to do what you most want to do.

sometimes... ya gotta see 10 or 12 or 14 therapists before you find a person who you feel some kind of empathetic and caring connection with (or where the potential for that seems to be there). the trouble is... that if we were robust enough to deal with seeing people who we were really misattuned with then we probably wouldn't need therapy in the first place! it is really hard... but worth a try methinks...

perhaps...