Thank you so much for your empathy and encouragement @Blueberrybook.

I know!
Never would I ask a woman if she is pregnant!!!

It was so humiliating and very triggering.

I too have gained most of my weight in my abdomen. As I always do coming out of treatment.

Everywhere you read " It will redistribute in a year."

But, of course you're right, it means a year of regular nourishment so your body doesn't fearfully keep weight there to protect your organs.

I have been doing my best since treatment but...
Not well enough I guess, not at all eating as I was taught, and now I find myself just spiralling...

I have just come from a Liturgy at a new parish.
(Please know not about to try and shovee my faith down your throats, just for context.)

It was beautiful.
But I was so tired I had to sit most of the time.
Near the end of the service I could smell...food.

They all gather together afterwards, maybe like 80 to 100 people, for coffee, food, and fellowship.

Well, two reasons I just fled afterward.

One of course, the food set out...

I did intend to partake, but there were so many strangers who know one another well.
Social.anxiety which I believe closely borders if not completely is social phobia, and...having a quick glance at everything set out, many things which I would have enjoyed without thinking about it,just a few weeks ago,( well, for the most part) struck me with terror.

As well, couldn't tell what everything was. What was vegetarian, my hunger cues left me.

I am a wretch of a hippocrite.

I am now in the park, smoking cigarettes, drinking Dr Pepper zero.

And I am so tired.

This, all of this, so tired of it all.

I know this is an illness that thrives on stress and anxiety, loneliness, and isolation.

It clings to me fiercely. And I...cling to it.

I have therapy tomorrow.

Thank God, but as I think I said, where to begin?

I guess anorexia is where Dr.S will want me to begin. As he always wants to really focus on it as it affects my physical health.

I spoke to him briefly on Friday but he called when I was in a deep sleep and I tried to tell him about the situation with my now ex, my resurgence completely of my ED, but I heard myself drowsily rambling nonsense.

So nothing accomplished but for him to change our appointment time tomorrow and that,"We'll pick up on all of this on Monday.

I feel awful, physically, mentally, emotionally.

I'm scared but...
Anorexia is numbing me.

I have nobody.
I hate this city

I know I am not even trying. And my " milestone birthday " a couple weeks ago has left me feeling that I will never be free of this disease.

I return to it with my other dxs, my lack of friends, my longing to write poetry again which depression ( and now in tandem with the ED) has stolen from me...

Eventually, Dr.S will tell me therapy isn't going to work with my starved brain.

And actually, my last IP stay for depression last month with a pyschiatrist I quickly lost respect for when she told me she had never even heard of " The Bell Jar ", told me she'd refer me back to treatment, but never did.

( As far as I know)

I am still " Atypical " at my BMI, but already quite unwell.

My other boiling beneath the surface emotion is...rage.

I have always had to suppress this emotion, thinking it " bad" and as a kid I was simply not permitted to express anger in a healthy way, I am again not knowing how to cope with this, I know, very natural, and ( I think) very justified emotion, and so, am willfully turning this festering rage on myself.

I am in no way inferring that eating disorders are a choice-but rather, deeply ingrained maladaptive coping mechanisms.

I have a cool pair of jeans sitting on a shelf in my closet, the last of my " sick clothes", but I could not part with them, they are way to small still but don't want to get rid of them.

Sigh...another very negative post, forgive me.

I so wish I could have come back here to share that I ate lunch, talked to other humans which terrifies me,but I suppose this is just another example of my shameful failure.

I guess that's it for now.

I sincerely wish for you all that you reach a place of solid recovery, finally free, finally unafraid, finally...enjoying a rich and contented LIFE.

Take good care everyone...

..And @Blueberrybook, good for you for enjoying lunch, and getting out with loved ones, and...a cookie!!!

What a major win you should be very proud of!