Hi @NovaBlaze You will probably tell from what I have already written I have been dealing with this confusion, for a long time. However in posting here in the last few days, it has helped so much. All the information I have written down was already in my knowledge, but jumbled up, which made it hard to really evaluate exactly what my "difference" actually consisted of. Seeing it all written down does begin to make some sense of it. I cant decide about who I am based on a few days of writing along with a couple of weeks of soul-searching, but its almost like I have had a kind of Epiphany. Its easy to say something like "I am a guy, but I want to be a girl", and make it sound straightforward. However saying I am a "something" who doesn't mind his guy parts, and has a male-female voice inside them that is more female dominant, is way more complicated. What I am trying to say is that although I have really only just scrapped the surface of all of this, I am beginning to think that there is an "otherness" going on with me that isn't explained by "I want to be a girl". Oh why not make it even more confusing!!!!

You are right in that a professional view would likely help, but again its a bit of a decision to take. I am already rehearsing how I would speak to my wife. The subject of bisexuality would be something I could never go anywhere near with her, it would destroy our marriage, so is totally off the cards. However the subject of clothing I wear, that make me feel myself is something that to a lesser extent, she already has an idea about. Me walking about in the evenings wearing girls leggings is a pretty clear sign I would think Although I have no real idea about whats going on inside of me, male/female, female/male etc, to bring that subject up to her may not be the end for us. Just come to mind is that when we were first getting together at college, she said that she thought I was gay, so even then she had sensed that there was something different about me. To get the courage together though, I just don't know.

Apologies again, I did say I liked writing. Something I have to say is that the last two days have been weirdly amazing for me. To give a very quick historical summary, as an adult I have always had a bit of weight about me. Back in 2012 I decided to try and do something about it,partly as an escape from stress. So I managed by doing lots and lots of walking, and watching food intake, to lose a mass of weight, although I ended up hitting a wall a little before my target. Anyway a work role change made it harder to exercise as much, and also having testicular cancer in 2018 (lost one testicle) killed my motivation, so the weight piled on again. In recent years suffering from Afib, made be decide that it was just too hard to exercise.

However in the last couple of days, probably because of my concentration on myself, I decided to see if I could do my lunchtime walking routes again. As I rotate between campuses I get a variety of walks, all including steep hills. So on both days I managed my old walk, all but a little out of breath, and only taking a few minutes longer than I used to. I felt really proud that even though there was a gap in time, I still managed to complete the challenge I set myself. Just about to go out now to walk again, as this just made me feel so good.

Also yesterday, I had a good opportunity to work with one of my female colleagues, who does know me well. I was explaining to her about a situation that's going on with my Dad at the moment, (planning on a separate post somewhere else in this forum for this). As the conversation went round, she said to me that I have always have been in touch with my female side!!! Gobsmacked I was, I felt absolutely ecstatic that she should recognise that in me. I almost cried!!

Anyway I will stop there, as I am off for a walk Didn't realise you could send hugs to people here, so heres one back.