@Blueberrybook, thank you for your understanding and empathy. I too struggle with feeling like a glutton while not even bingeing.

I'm glad you just did some gentle pilates instead of pushing your body past it's limits...

I just woke up.
It's close to 6 AM and I have been awake for almost an hour.

This is the second morning in a row I have not jumped outta bed and weighed myself.

I am not sure how the compulsion

just...vanished.

As I mentioned I think, I am broke.
With my sciatica and the heat it would ha e been too hard to walk the long walk to the food bank on Wednesday, and I admit I was starving.

I was so enraged at my body that it would slam me with hunger.

Ultimately I was so desperate to eat, I, so help me, unblocked that guy, shamefully wrote him my sob story a d asked if he could help me.

( He is the only person in this city that I have.)

Anyway, he didn't chastise me, I stead he said he'd make me something to eat and come bring it to me.

I was relieved, but at the same time worried about how much x he was going to add to the food.

Anyway, he brought me a lot of good food.

I ate.
A nd ate and ate and ate...

A d I have stayed off the scale, mostly out of fear, and I am finding myself being hypercritical of my body again.

I admit I felt better after eating, but my head was fighting me with every bite.

It's still fighting with me.

When I eat I feel I am just going against everything.

I am wondering whether it would be worth it to do partial at a different hospital than the one I have been in and out of since I was 32.

I dunno.

Can eating the way I do ( even waiting x hours, grazing ) change my neural pathways or do I need a little more support?

I resent that nourishing myself the past couple days hasn't given me more energy.

Of course, I am on an ancient r, very strong antipyschotic that only my OCD can bypass.

Of course my OCD gleefully latches on to my ED and I end up giving in, as it all is so loud.

My GP said thst for my chronic pain swimming is the best exercise.
When I told him I don't know how to swim, he saud to at least move against the resistance of the water.

But...a BATHING SUIT?!?

I haven't worn a bathing suit in eons, and never I'm my life have I worn a bikini and I never will.

Anyway, my...friend? Romantic entanglement??
who used to swim a lot and exercise in the shallow end, offered to go to the pool with me and teach me stuff.

He saud," We'll find you a one piece.
But I still feel like I could only go to thr pool in a large t shirt to cover my body.

I think the pregablin has put weight on me.
It's been a long time since a med has made .e gain weight.

About 12? Or more years ago I had this cold, arrogant pyschiatrist who put me on clozapine which of course put a lot if weight on me.

I remember my shame when my old GP whom had seem me at a very low weight, weighed and I didn't look, and he LAUGHED, and sayd," Oh now you've gone the other way."

Mortified.
Depressed.
Loathing my.body which did t feel.like mine.
Loathing my very self.

Anyway, that doctor told .e I was having a paradoxical reaction to the clozapine and took me off jt.

The last time that happened was also.many yeas ago, my pyschiatrist ( a different o ne) put me on lithium.

The side effects were debilitating.
Up.until then I had nrbrr been in a med thst made me gain a lot of weight, even olanzapine I was on in hospital fir a little whileddid put any noticeable weight on me, bjt on lithium apparently tly jt was noticeable as an ex of mine POINTED AT MY STOMACH,and LAUGHED,and said," Oh!, You sure put in some weight!"

These comments,gave looped in ny head fur almoet 3 decades.

Why are so manyy people so ignorant and cruel?

Why do I still let eons ago comments about my body affect me?

Why do I still struggle with what Dr.S says is an obsession, my feeling like starving myself is sone kind of acsetic pursuit?

Many reasons as to both, but to ask my mum about my ED,( which often msfr her defensive, angry, feeling like the books I suggested her to read to try and educate herself would accuse her of it,"Being the mother's fault...) she wohkd tell me that I," Threw away my bottle at 6 months "...

Have I been afflicted with this I'll ess since the day I was born?

Has my entire life been a response to stress, to anxiety, trauma, the dark world of professional ballet school?

I am probably alwaysy ( as Dr.S recently said) going to only be " managed" as far as my ED.

I find now to feel and think that I do not have a " severe and enduring eating disorder", as I am a healthy weight, but the reality is, my head never caught up with proper nourishment, I am still obsessive, shamefully still comparing myself to others, especially the women joggers around here with " perfect bodies"....

I guess, I will acquise and break down and but sone kind of very plain black bathing suit, go to a pool.

Will do anything to relieve my physical pain.

In the meantime, i have just eaten a little.

Oh. Everyone, forgive me fur another boring and self indulgent post.

I just have noby to talk to about all this besides Dr S, and he us going to be away for two weeks,and my next full therapy session is not until nees4ky the end of August.

But anyway I will not burden you all anymore here today, you are all trying to cope as well as you can yourselves...

Blessings to all, and please keep fighting.

You are not alone.