Hi all, I recently separated from my co-parent after a long period of feeling emotionally erased and subtly controlled. It wasn’t an explosive or overtly abusive relationship — but over time, I found I was losing more and more of myself. I became isolated and emotionally brittle. Close friends began voicing concern about me and the relationship.

The control wasn’t loud. It came through shifting boundaries, emotional expectations, and now there’s a sense that my role as a father depends on how well I align with my co-parent’s narrative. When I try to assert myself, the dynamic shifts instantly — I receive messages saying our child is upset or less keen to see me.

Since the separation, I’ve felt deeply isolated. I love my child profoundly and have tried to remain present, but I increasingly feel that my relationship with them depends on my relationship with the co-parent. I’m torn between two painful paths:

Staying separate, which protects my emotional integrity but risks being seen as absent.

Returning, which might offer proximity but feels like stepping back into a system that harms me.

I’ve spoken to friends and family, and while their advice is often clear — that the dynamic is unlikely to change — I still struggle with the choice. I don’t want to abandon my child, but I also don’t want to abandon myself.

I’m not looking for diagnoses or blame. I’m looking for stories from others who’ve faced similar situations:

How did you name what was happening?

Did you find ways to stay present without being controlled?

How did you navigate the grief and isolation of stepping away from a role that mattered deeply?

Thanks for reading.