Thank you for your reply, @Blueberrybook.

I am so happy you have your family to prepare meals for, and have your loved ones there to help you through meals.

I am sorry you are still struggling with over excersise.

I wish you felt no guilt around not pushing your body past it's limits...

...I am still overwhelmed by the ED " voice".

Staying off the scale, yet it still tempts me every morning.

And my head is estimating how much I weigh, which admittedly is likely a way higher number than what I actually weigh.

My body is truly devastating me.
I guess that sounds a little melodramatic, but it's how I feel..

And...my hunger cues.

I...Just don't feel like myself.

Yesterday I found myself ravenous after having gone x hours without eating.

My...whatever he is to me, made me really good food.
And I ENJOYED it, but not without worrying to anxiety about what he put in it.

Not at all " safe"...

And now I have been up for x hours and no breakfast.

Not ( honestly) hungry-although in treatment have always been told," Eat on a schedule. Eat even if you don't feel.hungry..."

I still am struggling with this.

I have felt like crying all morning, about everything, about nothing...certainly not all to do with my ED, however Dr.S has been telling me for years how my "starved brain" is affected by anorexia.

I am scared I can't let go of it.

I read of people truly recovered

Usually people much younger than me, with lives still full of promise, goals, and dreams,reaching a place of LIVING, and knowing the joy and freedom recovery has given them.

I can't relate.
( Although always glad to read of people far younger than I, overcoming their ED'S,without being in and out of hospital, wasted years...)

Existing in this body I find uninhabitable is torturous.

No exaggeration.

Anyway, very soon really ought to force myself to eat.

But this feeling of being empty, strong, clear headed, even with my " starved brain" is positively addictive..

I resent my hunger cues and having to eat, and missing my scale and all the rest of it.

Ok. Enough,I'm sorry.

Haven't said anything of substance here.

Keep strong everyone.

And blessings to you all.