Hello @ Blueberrybook...

It is so pleasing to hear you have been able to enjoy your pilates rather than force yourself to jog heavily everyday.

I'm sure your body thanks you.

I need to stretch more myself.

Ironic how when I was young how active I was a dancer, now, due to fatigue and chronic pain, can barely walk around the block.

I am still struggling with " making the recovery choice" every single day.

My...well, I guess the guy I am back in a relationship with, keeps making me food.

Complimenting me, which I can't stand, as I have mentioned.

Too be fair, I have put him through h*** with years of his knowing me getting so sick.

So now, he calls me," Did you eat today?"

Never lie, but what I consider " enough" he ( abd likely my IP tx team would agree) he disputes...and I acquiesce.

I can't bring myself to waste what he makes me.

This morning I find my head fighting against me like mad.

I was honestly not hungry when I woke up x hours ago, yet, part of my mind eas urging me to eat-I shamefully listened to the ED.

I am putting it off.

I am scared right now.
To eat.

I remain ill at ease in this strange body.

And there are far more important things I ought to be worrying about than my weight.

I'm so tired.

Physically, mentally, emotionally...

I feel distant from myself somehow, having invested an entire identity in anorexia.

Not that I, nor anyone chooses an ED, but jt crept up on me over the years that illness was all that I was ( am?)...

I feel I must be very disturbed.

Indeed I am I guess.

I feel quite low at this hour.

I might feel better if I were to break down and noursh myself before x more hours have gone by.

But, but,but...

Why can't all I have learned about recovery be, by now, deeply ingrained in me?

Why is the ED forever tormenting me?

I am so angry at myself.

I intended upon making this begun as a good day, but didn't sleep well as usual and dontknow how I will manage to function.

He is bringing me more food today.
Good food, yet, still in my messed up head," illegal food"...

I will eventually, today, feel hunger cues, eat.

Feel a francticness, anxiety, guilt, fear, and I will end up FEELING....

There are so many facets to my ED, how to overcome them all?

I am very surprised the hospital I was IP in 3(!!!) years in a row didn't refuse me further treatment.

They would be so disappointed and probably frustrated if I ever got to the point had to go back-

I feel like this day has already been ruined.

I should go eat-

I know I ought not to blame all my fatigue on lack of sleep, on my meds, but continuing my deep seated self destructive mode-whether concious or not...not eating for x hours after I wake up, and wondering why I have zero energy.

Sorry for yet another rather uninspired post...

I just feel so afraid right now.

And trapped, simply because someone who cares about me is lovingly preparing me food...

I do t know what to next-or rather I do,I am, as usual, resisting.

Sending you all serenity, hope, and strength...