Horrible day yesterday.

Dressed in a favourite t shirt that does not hide my body, some guy on the street made yet another "She's pregnant " comment to his friends.

Verge of tears, went home, changed into something that would hide my disgusting jidy.

Weighed myself later, still a normal healthy weight, but too high for me to feel...safe.

I looked up one of my meds to see if weight gain is a common side effect and indeed it is

I figured it can't just be " recovery" abdomen.

I am frantic to get back my " perfect" flat stomach.

Yesterday last night, I was hungry so...I ate.
I was livid with myself that I was not strong enough to restrict, and I also ate a little this morning.

And...it isn't really about a war within me, or maybe...the ED is still winning.

I want to stay in my place until this horrid pregnant looking abdomen disappears.

I'm sorry.
It's just the deep shame I am feeling right now.

Didn't step on the scale when I got outta bed this morning but at the moment there is a strong g drive within me to do so.

Deeply depressed.
Sickened by this body of mine.

Anxious.

Hiding in a large shirt right now.

I feel just awful

I miss anorexia.

And...I know how sick that is.

Ugh.

So ashamed don't even want to post this.

But nobody to talk to.

Well, maybe can call the eating disorders association here.

They are always understanding and compassionate.

So...yeah.

Better do that.

Thank you for listening everyone, and sending you all much strength and serenity.