Still suffering shame over my ordeal yesterday at the bar. It's not that the bartender did not want to talk. It's just that he didn't want to talk to ME. He was so warm and effusive with others, i have the sense that he somehow rubbed my face in feces.

What is so wrong about wanting to enjoy good food and drink and some pleasant chatting with a bartender? I feel like i violated some taboo by going out alone. I can't make commitments, so on holiday weekends i end up alone as everyone else has plans.

I guess i'll just have to stay home from now on. Go out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, and stay home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My city used to have a weekend night-time drop-in but it closed about ten years ago. It was a lot easier then. In Vancouver there was a weekend night-time drop-in.

It doesn't help that i've had to excuse myself from the group in the dog park twice this weekend because it go so rowdy. My threshold for socializing seems a lot lower than others. There's a group at my drop-in who play Euchre. Maybe i'll try that. It seems like pretty low-stress activity.

Longing for the days when i used to be able to sleep to escape. Now i feel like a raw nerve ending almost all the time.