Me again.

I am really struggling.

Really horrible few days.

Heavy depression.
Need the catharsis of great heaving sobbing out my pain, but of course, the ED is trying to tempt with numbness, without the curse of FEELING.

I ate little yesterday, and had gone x hours with not a bite.

Late at night after taking my meds, I managed to eat a bit, I admit I felt better-

The ED totally berated me for it though.

I am now outside, escaping my horrible apartment, feeling lost abd wholly alone.

I ended up calling an eating disorders information line, even though really, they ate not a counselling service, bjt rather provide people with resources.

However, thus young woman listened compassionately, with empathy, with clearly understanding my struggle, my shame, the stress I have been under fjr a whole year now.

Told me it is natural my old coping mechanisms has obviously taken control of me.

I told her about my ambivilance, my disgusting with myself for even considering treatment again, especially because, although, yes, I stepped on the scale a little while ago, the ED praised me, was/is fiercely loud in my messed up head.

Have lost weight.
Old obsession having quickly returned, I checked my BMI.

It has dropped, but not underweight, which( sickly), still in the " atypical " category leaves me feeling invalidated.

Not worthy of treatment.
Will be mocked, told Indeed that I am nkt " sick enough"

I shared with the young woman on the phone that I am, and have been for awhile, considering partial, but...I told her I have checked out the schedule and although,( Atleast right now) I do not require intensive IP for weight restoratiion, parutal doesn't t look like quite enough support right now.

I told her, I do nkt have 35 to 80 grand for the posh residential programs here, have no private insurance, she said for one place have my doctor refer me for a provincial covered bed-well, lady I read, the waiting list for those few beds is two years long.

I told her the hospital for partial is about a 2 hour transit ride that I simply could not handle.

I know...excuses.
Always excuses.

The ED always seems the answer.

But, it triggered me to do sonething very shameful...

My boyfriend had made me all this food, put of love, concern.

And, I threw it out.
I despise myself for wasting food while millions in our world are starving to d**th...

And, he found out.
Said, You know how long it took me to make this?

I am exhausted.
Both a med hangover and logically i need to, as my GP always says," Put some fuel in the tank."

And I don't know honestly if I can-if I can surrender my strong will.

I am now so fearful of all food.

That familiar sense of complete control, the sick comfort I have while at least feeling " sick enough" physically, only drives my ED to grip it's icy talons around me, while promising it's llie that it is " All I need "...

After so many years, I realise it is a liar, that my depression is only going to get worse, my negative thought patterns already worse without fighting the ED voice.

At the same time, sickly very soothed by my restricting, my weight loss.

I am a complete disaster right now.

Next therapy session not until nearly the end of the month.

I feel so stupid, so without a healthy positive mindset, the deep black depression amplifying my low mood, and certainly, my stavred poor brain, is also amplifying this.

I have a feeling, with my lack of energy, as well ad the curse of my chronic pain, my very sedating meds, thst this will be just another unproductive day, lying around, obsessing, triggering myself.

I am empty ..my stomach, which is both comforting, and and a raging innner battle between health, and feeling better physically, and the sick comfort of my being," strong, in control, powerful."

I am losing my mind.If I haven't long since lost it already.

Perhaps on my n hospital in June ought not have freaked out and refused ECT, which there have been studies as to its potential benefits to those with A severe and enduring eating disorder "

And now, past lunchtime...and I know what I need to do.

About a week ago was just at the hospital with low bl**d sugar.

I realise the risks, how sick I got a couple years ago, and hope you all recognise the risks, at any weight. .with any ED

I will stop now,venting. Emoting far too much for any of you to believe I truly am numbed out.

So then, thank you for reading if you have.

And please, ( most hypocritically i realisei am saying this) show yourselves some compassion and self love today.

You are all so deserving of this.