It doesn't seem to matter what I do. Seems like others were presented with the rules or guidelines on how to navigate themselves through this life, but I was never told anything. It always feels like people share this one big inside joke that I'm not aware of, and will never be able to understand anyway. And if they were to explain it to me, they'd become annoyed with my awkwardness and difficulties. They'd make it clear that I was never welcomed in the first place.

Last year was when it really hit me just how disconnected I am from others, and from society's entire system. After years of living a shut-in lifestyle, I tried 'getting my life together' and did everything that I was told to do. I mostly felt like I had to do it to prove that I wasn't a loser. Like I had this fantasy for proving others wrong. Instead I fell further back, and it was humiliating. Every single plan failed, from finding a small job to plans on learning skills in order to find a better job later in life. Rejected and told I lacked the skills or the necessary requirements. Dead ends no matter which way I turned to. I was still looked at as an embarrassment.

I turned 31 this year and most people don't imagine someone like me when they think of a woman in her 30s. I'm still too withdrawn and nervous. I struggle with eye contact and the last time I had friends was when I was 12 years old. Shyness seems to be tolerated less and less as you grow older. I also struggle to relate to other people, which seems to be an issue to bring up. The only reason I mention this is because it seems to be a trend online to mock women who find it hard to relate to other women. Despite my interests always being quite feminine, I still am seen as too 'other' because of my personality and my ugly appearance. I also feel like I'm too immature. Most people my age, men or women, are independent and have some path in life. Not hiding from the world and constantly relying on fiction as a form of escapism.

Still, I can't bring myself to care anymore. What's funny is that focusing on my own interests, and finding comfort in this solitude, has helped me a lot more than any of the advice I was given from therapists or doctors. I focus on my hobbies and I've been trying to stay healthy. Is this wrong? I was always made to feel wrong for preferring to remain a recluse. I guess I just stopped caring after being treated like I was inadequate for so long.