I don't think I can handle any of this anymore. I feel like the more I try the worse I get. Or the less I try the worse I get. If I don't try, I get worse. If I try a little, I get worse. If I don't sleep, I get worse. If I do sleep...well idk because it's been like at least three months months since I slept more than 3 hours straight (unless you include sui attempts by overdosing, then I got about two okay nights in the past three months).

Every time I go to the hospital it seems more and more pointless. The last one I went to didn't even have groups. I spent more time in the ER than at the actual DRF because IEAs don't have any kind of decent process here, and I wound up going to a hospital I shouldn't have even been at because of the intensity of my aggression/panic in the ER (I could literally be on trial right now if the notes are accurate but if I wasn't having a "mental breakdown" and "getting treatment" at the time (total BS)), but if I got sent to the place I should've gone I would've spent 10 business days in the ER and then gone home because the waitlist is massive and an IEA can only hold for 2 weeks + any holidays.

I feel more fked up than ever. I'm sick of everything. I'll probably take my 20000000 sleeping pills and feel super fking manic again like I did last night instead of actually, idk, sleeping????

Is there any coming back at this point or am I just doomed?