Muddy, I think you see the patterns in your life and in your treatments.

The thing is, as you said, you keep circling, coming back to the same point every time. I think that's also a pattern you might not see because you're so close to it, and that's ok.

I think it's important to separate what others expect or want from you and what you want. It's a big question, but it's worth answering.

I think you're stuck in a loop that isn't getting you where you want to be and bumping into dead ends, probably because you've reached the end of what the approach has to offer.

One possibility is that you're in survival mode. While it certainly is helpful, it got you here after all, it has its limits and I think you're bumping into them over and over again.

Maybe search using terms like addicted to survival mode, or something along those lines, and you'll be amazed at what comes up because it might really resonate with you.

I recently reached the same point where you are now and I realized I had reached the end of what survival mode had to offer. My life is still changing but I'm on a different path now which is making a huge difference.