Oh @LadyShadow you are SO beautiful! Inside and out. You have fought for everything you have and you keep on fighting. You give so much to others, even when you are struggling.

I know you are afraid of antidepressants. Have you ever used an AP as an AD? When I was maxed out on my AD my pdoc added some seroquel and it worked so well, even at a tiny dose. In fact it was supposed to be temporary but it made such a difference that I've stayed on it for a few years now. When it started working it was the first time I had ever known my head to be quiet. It just took away the bad stuff and the depression.

There is hope. I know it's so hard to see it but there is.