Dear Vaiana,

Thank you so much for reading and for what you've said.

yes, im really hurt and lonely but that doesnt justify that i care more about MY ruined Xmas than my father's. im willing to ruin the Xmas of everyone just to make it clear that they ruined it to me in the first place!
thats mean.
thats lack of empathy.
thats evil.

i have tried today with my psychologist, to read all of this i have written here and more, to my mom and it didnt work.

they do not understand how much i hurt. they just say "i love you" and "we treat you and your brother equally". but thats not the point!!!

i even told them if she were coming on the 26th that would have been fine, but not on 25th!
no nothing, because they have probably already booked the flight taking for gratned it was ok with me too but they didnt even ask! i count less than zero.

so of course i still think they love him more than they love me! they sure love me, but not enough.... because im mean. because my feelings dont matter to anyone. and if they are socially unacceptable i should change them. as if i could or would.

i saw psychiatrist on wednesday but she did nothing.
i saw psychologist with my mom present today, but they did nothing.
im gonna see my T on sept. 1st but i doubt he will do anything.
and im going to contact my autism T and see if he can help...

i have written all of this out in other italian forums or groups and they all treated me as if i am a monster.

they could only see my envy and hate for my brother and that made me a unacceptable being.

im trying to understand myself more at the moment. thats why i've come here looking for feedback...

i have different diagnosis but i wouldnt want to be considered a psychopath or a narcissistic too.
maybe being
borderline
bipolar
autistic
and having endured long CSA

could explain why i long to say what i think and how i feel, no matter how it makes others feel... i dont know, im just tired of feeling wrong and broken, unwanted and not understood. i wonder what am i doing still here on this planet? i dont belong here....