i don't even know if this is the right forum for this.. but this forum seems to be my home.

i may post in the anxiety forum too... %#@&#!... i could post here, there, depression, bipolr.. i could keep going.

i have just run into a major financial disaster. It hasn't hit yet... my finances are a month behind, so i know i am ok this month but not in AUgust. i just started a new job but i am going to have to leave it in order to tend to the other financial problem. That sounds counter intuitive, but the bigger problem needs my full attention adn this job, while it brings in a little extra money is not enough and it takes away my time, energy and focus from the other more important thing.

no.. i cannot do both... physically and mentally i have limits. This was my first week on the new job. Day one caused me so much pain that i lay on the floor after work and cried. i cannot take the muscle relaxants which allow me to sleep properly and reduce the amount of muscle pain. Google what happens to bipolar people if they don't sleep right. i cannot do 40hrs a week at the job and come home to do 40 more on the other issue.

i have been an emotional wreck all week.

im in a panic... because there are so many factors to consider... and none are guaranteed. T was a big help yesterday... but we never got to talk about how i can stay grounded through this weekend... when nothing is concrete, how can i find something to hold onto?

i don't like to give myself credit. i have very poor self esteem. i said to T i did not like to brag and he said no, i was the exact opposite... and pdoc said i was the opposite of a narcissist. So saying this is difficult and is only stuff i believe in a non-solid sort of way... i can be convinced to a degree of the evidence of their concreteness, but integration has not happened. So... what i can say then, within those parameters, is that i have a fair number of skills, talents and abilities. Apparently i am not as dumb and useless as i believe i am.

the reason i say this.. is the heart of a crucial problem for me. i can be reasoned with and forced to concede that i have x y or z.... what i do NOT have is the strong or glue which joins these qualities and abilities into something useful. It's like blocks of different sizes and shapes which must be joined or related to each other in order to work.. but i do not know how. Imagine being a master woodworker... able to cut, carve or shape anything.. but not having any idea what a nail, staple or glue were for.

this is a very serious issue for me... one which is crucial to my grwoth... if i am ever going to attain success and fulfillment, this is one of the major principles that i must explore and master. i have tried in the past, without being able to put it so clearly, to overcome this sort of think on my own and was not able to. i need T to help me with this as much as i needed his help to leave my xH

speaking of whom.. he says he feels like he owes something to me... he seems dedicated to helping me get through this. That isn't quite optimal, because it makes things sticky and complicated... but i have few choices.

my life is about to implode. i knew that it would... at some point.

i need T.. i need him to just help calm me... ground me.. just tell me i can make it and that even if it gets hard.. he won't leave me.