you guys are right.. to a point anyways... i don't think he would ever just tell me to go away (although that fear crept back in recently on an unrelated topic)... i don't think he would ever say "stop coming." Howver... he does now know just how bad things will be for me soon... he knows that i am at risk of not being able to afford anything, much less therapy. He knows i am afraid of being left in the middle of the process at a point at which i would be more dysfunctional.. he knows, but he hasn't offered a lower rate, or slidin scale or anyting that might elp me stay... he hasn't even said that we could try to find a way... nothing. So while he might not tell me to leav... i dont think he will do anything to help me stay.

will he be there for me while i can see him? he has been hasn't he.. in the past i mean..? i don't understand a lot about interaction and i have trouble interpreting things... for example, if someone *does* something caring, or even says a caring thing, but does not directly say the words "i care" then i may not interpret any of it as caring at all. It's not deliberate... it's a lack of a certain skill set T says.

Simcha... i wish that were true.. i truly do. But T and i have an ongoing issue about calling him. We established i am definitely *not* allowed to call for reassurance... so no matter how afraid i am that he might leave me because i can't afford him... i am not allowed to call and ask. After that it gets sort of hazy. When i had a bout of social anxiety and couldn't leave the house one day, even though i really needed to, i called him and not only was he ok with that he felt it was a very good reason to call. Recently I needed advice on how to handle a situation that couldn't wait (not what to do but how to respond to something.. how to act i suppose)... and in the end he said it was ok to have called, but in the beginning he was a little uncertain as to whether it fit the "guidelines."

those guidelines are fuzzy to me.. i don't quite understand what they are.

i am allowed to call to leave voicemails that do not ask for a call back. i can leave as many of those as i need to. i try to talk out the problem that way.. or sometimes just talk about how upset i am or whatever... yesterday what i was doing was trying to talk out the problem but i would run into trouble... the problem is round.. there are no corners or anything to grab ahold of, no edge that makes sense... it all seems very random and equal, yet not equal. There are as many if's and but's.... and then the anxiety attacks started. Once they got going i couldn't find anything to grab onto. T has told me that we confuse ourselves, lie to ourselves and fall into emotional whirlpools that mislead us... we need to find conrete things that we *know* are true to hold onto... i couldn't find anything.

i tried to talk this out with someone... and i made the mistake of saying that yeah, i wanted his reassurance and i wanted him to tell me he believed in me. YES i want those things... YES i'd pay extra to have him just stand there and say them... but i did not call for that reason.

i may not understand the calling guidelines, but i DO understand that i can only ever ask for a call back if i ***need*** him vs ***wanting*** him.

it's so arbitrary to me... he wants me to be independent and not reach for him as my first line of defense (his words)... and i try, i really do. I try the things he has said. i type out a conversation with myself (yes, seriously). i talk to myself like a third person... ask myself why i am upset. i do the little three column table he showed me to do. i leave voicemails trying to talk it out. i try to calm myself. Then what? Can i call then? Wouldn't that be ok?

i'm sorry.. i got off on a tangent there simcha.

the calling thing bothers me, but this upset i am having isn't about him calling yesterday or not. i have much bigger fish to fry.. i have to figure this out. i have to balance out my needs vs wants vs urgent issues.

i keep putting myself down for failing at this... beating myself up for not doing this work sooner.. not handling the web stuff very well... etc. i keep yelling at myself in my head because i can't do it all at the same time like normal people could do. If i wasn't such a %#@&#! cripple i could work the day job and do the web stuff at night.