A close friend has metastasized appendix cancer (very, very rare). No tests showed it at all; they operated for a mass on her right ovary, when they opened her up, found the cancer, had to remove parts of her small and large intestine, her appendix (obviously), her ovaries, tubes, and uterus. They couldn't remove all of it.

I've been dealing with it fine. I took her to her first chemo last week, and will be taking her next week also. She's about 2 hours away from me, so I stay 4 days when I'm there so her husband can go to work and not worry about her being alone. I was genuinely fine during my stay last week. I'm not specifically worried about going next week, either. I'm actually quite good at helping others with unpleasant medical and health situations.

My primary defense mechanism is intellectualization and making it academic. Been doing great with that...I organized all her info, created a doc for her family to use easily, color coded her meds, wasn't at all anxious when I was there, her family appreciated both my presence and that I did all the organization.

Until the day before yesterday. I think the reality hit me. She's not making any lifestyle changes; I know this is going to kill her. I think I'm accepting that. So why am I practically in a panic, convinced that I have cancer too?

I used to have almost constant anxiety when I was in my teens and twenties - even into my thirties. I'm 46 now, and anxiety hasn't been a real problem in a long time.

Until now. I've been having an ache in my right mid back. I'm panicking that it's cancer. Keep in mind that I've had this on and off for a few years - since my gallbladder was removed - and it's not a terrible pain.

But I've been poking and prodding myself for the past two days, which of course has made it worse and I've probably black-and-blued myself.

So right now I'm nauseous, very anxiety ridden, and no matter what I'm doing (deep breathing, reasoning with myself), it feels like I'm getting worse not better. It's now Saturday night and I can't even make a doctor's appt!

I don't think there's really anything seriously wrong with my (physically, sigh). I tend to have IBS, and that could be causing the ache, and of course IBS gets worse when you're worried. Argh. Could be scar tissue from the gallbladder surgery. Could be muscular due to disk problems.

Somebody give me some magic words to help me out. I took a xanax and even that's not helping. I'd love a glass of wine, but with being nauseous, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't like to use substances as a crutch.

Oh, and I have actually made quite a few positive lifestyle changes since her diagnosis. I've been using this opportunity as a learning experience, I even finally quit smoking - not because I was afraid of cancer; but because I realized how crazy powerful a cigarette had become in my life.

And now that I've been anxious - guess what I really want? A cigarette. Haven't had one, am not going to have one, and it irks me that human logic is so defective that I think a cigarette will help ease my worries about me having cancer. I swear, I used to have a brain, used to be intelligent.

Thanks for listening. And thanks in advance for whatever magical suggestions you all have that'll verbally smack me upside the head so I snap out of this craziness!

Mary