It should be illegal to be this sad.

The deeper I fall into the pit, the less piling-on it takes to make me feel worse....

I am back in touch with someone I was practically a Siamese twin to from ages 3-18. She was my next-door neighbor and we did EVERYTHING together. Her parents were better to me than my own were, for sure.

Anyway, life took us in different directions, and since our early 20s we've only been in sporadic contact. But it's picked up again lately.

I have a hard time initiating a conversation with people about my son. I am terribly afraid of them being judgmental about my decision. I am even more afraid of them looking down on me for even getting in the situation. It's just hard for me to bring up. I've tried in various ways to get over that, but there is still a LOT of shame attached to adoption and I feel it acutely.

Anyway, one thing led to another in our email exchange today (which had begun with an exchange of recent family photos) and this is what I got:

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Candy,

Is that handsome young man yours? If so, how come you haven't mentioned it to me before? You should know that no matter what, you can always tell me anything & I will be there for you.

XOXO, Bethe

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I feel like a 3-year-old being scolded for being caught with her hand in the cookie jar. I know that's probably completely irrational, but it is what it is right now. And it's had the added effect of causing me to reflect all day on the things that have (or haven't) happened to me in my life. There is a lot of genuine sorrow there for things that were out of my control, as well as for things I did and should have known better than to do.

I miss my boy more than I can ever express. Thursday was the 3rd anniv. of the death of one of my closest friends ever, and I've been so busy I haven't had time to work on handling that yet. And I was well into a fairly deep depression to begin with. I don't have the energy right now to try to climb out.



Candy