thanks simcha... i lean towards defensiveness lately due to some unpleasant situations. i really meant it when i said "no offense." Yeah.. the answers did sound a little superficial.. thank you for clarifying.

i just received my own copy of the anxiety and phobia workbook. i had borrowed T's copy and liked it. i just now need to set aside time to read and apply it. You're right... i do have a problem catastrophizing the future. There is very good reasons for that. My past has some pretty dark times in it. Ever had to eat cake mix because it was all the food you had? i have two dogs that are like kids to me.. i worry excessively about being able to keep them fed and sheltered.

but i realise these things, this anxiety, is more historically based... out of proportion with the immediate reality.. that my experiences of succeeding at making a life for myself has not "cured" those fears... and that is because the deeper causes have not been addressed.... yet.

My T... *sigh. i don't just like him.. i love him. Not romantically, but a genuine healthy love. i truly do. i am angry i guess... and i am not painting the best picture of him.. and that is unfair.. he has been there through everything.. given me so much. i feel bad that i haven't been very fair to him in this. But i am upset... and what i said was true.. i did express all of what i said and he did not offer a solution. i am scared about that. To be fair.. this whole mess only struck recently and maybe he needs time to think about what to do. .. i don't know. i do wish he had said *something.*

you're right Miss... and i am SO not good at that. One of my biggest issues is that people denied/deny me what i need. Part of the problem *now* (as opposed to when i was little) is that i don't look like i need extra caring.. i don't seem like i would need someone to connect the dots for me... i developed a shell of outward confidence. T knows this but i think sometimes he forgets. He knows intimately that i worry and have fears of abandonment, butt sometimes he forgets to be direct in his reassurances i think.. other times he wants me to connect things myself. This time i needed him to tell me he'd still be there. i do need to tell him i need him to help me find a concrete solution to seeing him.

i'm scared. WHat i need to do... regular job or no.. is to promote the other things i do.. and i am afraid. My confidence is shot to hell after the past few years.

But.. if i can keep myself afloat mentally/emotionally... well.. there is no reason i cannot do this.. i need to believe that.. i wish i did, inside. i'm energetic, and i work very hard.. people seem to like to work with me.. so why can't i do this? why can't i make it if other people can...right? But keeping myself afloat is no easy trick. i am very prone to deep depression when highly stressed. i'm really screwed if it goes into hypomania.. but that isn't the bigger risk here.

with T.. my own versions of solutions include reduced sessions.. obviously... so i may not be getting optimal care, i don't have to lose him entirely if i can make a little money over thee summer. Right?

keeping the job isn't really an option.. i know it sounds backwards.. but the web stuff i do is more important.. it would be like working a desk job instead of tending the farm.. make sense? It's everything i can do to get through the day with FT hours. Right now i don't have the option of reduced hours.. and the kicker is that the FT hours are just enough money to make any difference to my immediate situation.. reduced PT hrs would just be more of an inconvenience than a help. And really? i hate it. i really hate it.

i'm stripping down my expenses right now. Trimming off everything.. $40 here, $20 there.. etc. i'll eat tuna every day if i have to. If i save now.. and xH helps out.. then maybe i can be ok.

anyone know where i can buy or borrow some self confidence? That is what i need to make it... some self confidence and T.