**Trigger icnon applied for mention of suicidal ideation

**At session on Thursday, I didn't feel like T understood the depth of my panic with respect to feeling alone on an issue I want my H to help with. He defended H, saying it was probably not due to a desire to hurt me, but rather a learning disability or something similar.

The problem is T did not hear me. He did not hear how much pain I am in and how much I need him to help me explore this ON ANOTHER LEVEL. Now, I didn't notice this much in session, but T should have. He just jumped on the bandwagon of defending H. I know he does this because he knows how much I want out of my marriage and he knows how much H and I have been through together and how much we respect one another. He also wants me to connect with H, knowing that loneliness is a core issue for me.

From my perspective, I woke up on Friday completely out of sorts emotionally. I was not able to put my finger on what was bothering me, but I called T and he called back a few hours later. We spoke and I was able to realize I was in a child self state. I was not "in" myself and literally sat cross legged on the floor while I was talking to him. Somehow I was frightened, but I was able to tell him it had something to do with his reaction to my issue. We talked about how my mother didn't validate my experiences with my brother (or father, for that matter), saying he "couldn't help himself." This is what it felt like with T and the situation with H, although please know that H is Not abusive or anything like that. Anyway, I felt a bit better and T had to go. I thanked him for the call but something was still sort of nagging me. He said I could call him later, but I only left a message thanking him for the morning call, and telling him I had been frightened but was pulling myself together. There is a part of me that I hate, and that part is afraid that T will abandon her, if she is too needy, so she says she is ok when she isn't.

Then I had to go to a follow up at the doctors from my surgery and have a mild infection. Nothing serious, but it needs to be treated and it just added to my angst.

When I awoke this morning I was very upset and anxious. H said I was moaning and frightened in my sleep and I said I was not surprised. I think a memory is trying to work through. It was quite early and I decided to take a walk. While walking I had suicidal feelings and thought about how easy it would be to step in front of a car on the highway. Of course, I didn't.

I believe I am floating in and out of that child self state. It is distressing. I need T to understand me on so many levels. Sometimes I wish I never started therapy. This stuff was better off back in the packages where I tied it up and stashed it many years ago.