i just had a wonderful birthday weekend. i spent saturday with friends and sunday with family. i was showered with attention and affection.

i should be among the happiest people alive. but instead i sit here writing with tears in my eyes. i can't feel happy. right now, i don't feel anything.

sure there were times i smiled and even laughed. i was definitely appreciative of all that was done for me. but the joyful happy feelings were muffled. buried. suffocated by my depression.

it makes me feel like i'm ungrateful. i have people in my life who love me and care enough to celebrate the day of my birth with me. yet here i sit wishing i was never born.

i hate this! why can't i feel happiness?

and to add to it...people just do not understand. they can't comprehend that i can have an enjoyable day, but not enjoy it! i can smile, but not be happy. i can laugh, but feel dead inside.

so i smile and laugh and pretend to enjoy. i want to enjoy. but i don't. i simply can't. i wonder if i've given up even trying?

it's easier to lay down and let the numbness engulf me. but didn't i fight for years? don't i take the meds? haven't i tried to be happy? what are we fighting for??? is it possible to be happy?? to FEEL happy??

anyway...in 12 hours it will be the anniversary of my birth. to think of how happy my parents were when i was born. their little perfect baby girl with 10 fingers and 10 toes. all their hopes and dreams for me. and to think what i've become...