Oh, thank you thank you thank you for saying you have discomfort too. I know it doesn't *really* mean anything in terms of whether there's anything at all wrong with me, but at least it helps me feel a bit saner.

After posting last night, I wandered around PC a bit. I felt better just writing the initial post. By the time I got done with PC for the evening, I had found a reference to a healthy-lifestyle site that's free (bonus!), started reading through that, ended up signing up to be a member (it's sparkpeople dot com), and I got so interested in the site info that it helped distract me from the anxiety. Yay.

I woke up today ok, and I've had a back-to-normal day. Double yay. It took some effort at the beginning of the day not to fall right back into anxiety, but it was worth it.

I know it sounds like I'm taking on a lot of changes at once. But for the first time in my life, it doesn't feel as overwhelming as it sounds on paper (or screen, in this case).

Strangely enough, quitting smoking is helping me make the other changes. After I read a ton of data on a stop smoking site (whyquit dot com), I found out that it's normal to expect periodic cig cravings for the rest of my life. I know that sounds very elementary, but before I read that, I used to think that if I experienced one strong craving, I'd failed, so I'd give in. Once I learned it was normal, and that just because I want to smoke for a few minutes doesn't mean that I have to, well, it became obvious that the whole story is about choice. You know, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. Do the grown up thing.

After I accepted that I'll sometimes feel like smoking, it seemed easier to accept that I can make other steps to improve myself - even though I don't always FEEL like doing them. I don't expect to be perfect all the time (which is new, it used to be all or nothing).

I feel really good about myself for using the treadmill every day this week, and for making the first Chinese meal I ever tried to cook. I love to cook but in the past if it was not familiar to me, I'd avoid it and just cook something I knew would turn out well.

The meal turned out really extremely well. Much healthier than if we ordered take-out. It included more vegetables than I'd normally eat. I haven't had a cigarette even though I talked to my mother last night (big big trigger). I know when I get to MD to be with my friend I won't be treadmilling for a couple days. And I know she has a lot of junk food in the house, so I don't expect to eat perfectly. But - I'm bringing a supply of my snacks so it won't be 4 oreo-filled days...And I'm prepared for not particularly wanting to get back on the treadmill once I'm home, but making the choice to do it anyhow.

I know this is long; thanks for listening. I'm so glad the people of PC are here to help when I need it. Thanks so much for your time and support.
Mary