((((blue_roses)))))
People who haven't experienced clinical depression all have a tough time understanding that paradox: laughing without feeling, smiling without happiness. Depression isn't rational: no matter how much you tell yourself you "should" be happy, the depression won't listen. That is perhaps when depression is the worst: being unhappy without knowing why.
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to think of how happy my parents were when i was born. their little perfect baby girl with 10 fingers and 10 toes. all their hopes and dreams for me. and to think what i've become...
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What do you mean by that? Could you explain a bit more? I think they're proud of you, and love you for who you are, otherwise they wouldn't be celebrating your birthday with you, right?
Be kind to yourself; do something special for yourself on your birthday. I hope you feel better soon.
And Happy Birthday!
Take care,
J