OH, girl...I know what you're saying. Because of a physical condition he developed.. my (then) husband lost interest in everything.. including the "intimacy" about 18 years ago. I cried myself to sleep (on the couch) every night. Eventually, the marriage came to it's logical (and legal) conclusion in 2005, although we remain best friends. In the course of 15 years of lonliness, I'd soothe myself with alcohol, drugs, food. I gained a massive amount of weight, became ill because of it (joint issues, fibromyalgia, uncontrolled Type II DM (and the horrors that go along with that). The smoking advanced the c.o.p.d. until it became emphysema. My doctor was beside himself.... so was I. My husband didn't even notice most of the time.

So there I was.... having to force myself into the shower because it hurt soooo badly to stand there, hating myself to the core, just waiting to die until one night, about 4 years ago, I put my head down and prayed with all of my heart that God take this out of me, or just take me. Things started changing, I found a church, I started resisting the drugs.. trying to clear my mind. I closed my businesses in debt (I just didn't care anymore) because my body couldn't go another day, and moved up into the country (with my ex husband) to try to heal. I've been here for 2 years. In less than a year (from about September to now), I've lost over 120 lbs, began to work out with a personal trainer, began seeing a therapist.. and just continually pushing forward.

Lack of self esteem almost cut my life very short when I look at it. It seems that self esteem issues are progressive.. I've been like that forever.. as long as I can remember (8 or 9 years old), and with each destructive behavior, it got worse and worse.. and I'd take on even more destructive behaviors which in turn pushed me down further and further emotionally.

If you don't mind, I'd like to know what is happening with you.. what's causing your pain (if you don't mind me asking).

L