I haven't even been able to read here because suddenly therapy has become hard. Today I told T that I feel as if we are coming to an end now. I told her how the last 2 sessions I felt in so much pain when I left with the feeling of disconnection. I said I feel your letting me down, that you can no longer help me and its been like a bubble of delusion up until now and if I had had that bubble burst earlier then I dont know what I would have done. I said I dont know what else I feel you could be doing, I've made a list of all the things I want and you always do those things, I email, your reply, I know if I needed to phone you'd be there, unyet it feels you are not.

T said, I think you need to feel that here now, you need to experience me as not being there for you, for not doing enought, for letting you down. I said why??? she said because thats it was with your mother. I said but so what, what can you do about it now?? she said, we can work through it and survive it..

Then I felt more angry again and with free flowing tears I said I feel so angry at you, but dont know why, I feel I want you to attack me, shout at me, T said but what would that do? I said I DON'T KNOW, I just have this itch in my head I need you to shout at! T said, I think you are afriad still that I'm going to reject you and you want it over with now, you want me to say I can't work with you anymore and then it would all be shipped up and finished with.

Oh god transferrence is so painful, especially when you hear the words "I think you need to experience that here with me", you then know its true and you know this is going to painful and you know then its real, and its something thats already been experienced before and that time it didnt get worked through the feelings have been sitting for all these yrs waiting and you know now with all the insight therapy gives you that doing nothing is not an option anymore.