writing now to hopefully change the frame of mind i 'm in- to get it out and away from me.

Yoga had several steps today that culminated in a flashback.

Started with "thread the needle" and wrapping the non supporting arm up and around over the back to touch the opposite thigh. Doing so (a non seen hand touching the thigh from behind) unknowingly started a train of things. next pose i felt very exposed from behind and the ankles were crossed - always a clue of switching. then "legs up the wall" i am thinking because of how the pose creates a numbing effect allowed the body to feel like it was in free fall and the flashback was of a real place, but not of what happened. More, it was what i wanted to have happened.

I was on a trip with my folks in New Mexico (i think) and we suddenly stopped. I had stopped listening to my parents ramble on and on some time ago and now was clueless as to why we were stopping. We all got out of the van and there the earth fell away. This was not the Grand Canyon, but something rather similiar where there is just a huge, deep, crevass in the middle of the earth. THere was land ---------| |------------- and there was the other side. The road kept going, right over the edge to the other side, but it was level with the ground so it created this odd effect of this on going vista - and the end of the world. The bottom could not be seen - nor could the far edges of either side.

I wanted to jump! So badly! Just jump into that open space. I was 8. It took all my willpower not to leap out into that nothingness. I wanted everything to end - and if it ended by my hanging in nothingness forever, that would be fine. And if i fell all the way down, that would be scary, but fine and i was willing to give it a go.

So, there in yoga, on my back, legs up the wall - i was floating, i was in freefall, into that canyon - that never ending abyss. I was 8. I was crying. Then kiya's voice was saying "Owlet, i'm with you - i'm holding you tightly. I want you to live. I am holding you back. I am here with you this time - last time you didn't have me. Stay with me. I've got you."

I was crying more and dabbing at my eyes on my sleeve hoping no one in yoga would notice.

I'm at home now - my ankles are still crossed - still switched out, still needing to be in safe mode. Wanting to be in a small space, in a safe room where someone knows why i am scared. i need to eat - haven't eaten yet today - but i need to hide too.

us