Have to testify sometime. Have to speak. Make the selective mute with PTSD testify in his rape case. Why can't I just write it down. Why do they have to make me be so... detailed

Stupid urge to visit my brother in jail too... why do I feel obligated to visit him then so angry the next... ugh ugh ugh. He's dirty and bad but then why do I say I have to visit him.

Nightmares won't stop. I look around my house and I have presents from them from when we were friends. Want to smash them up into a million pieces.

I don't care that one of them is away visiting family... I'm still scared as hell.

But I keep getting those feelings of self-blame and extreme sadness... used to that... but then I get these sudden outbursts of such rage and anger. I feel so conflicted. Should I be sad? Angry?