<font color="#000088"> babyg & lyn thank you for your posts

to anyone who reads this - i'm NOT trying to justify SI as an appropriate way to deal with things! i know it's not healthy. i would never encourage anyone to hurt themselves!

i know it doesn't make sense that i would feel stronger. but i do. when i hurt myself, i feel in control of my pain. i may not be in control of my actions. but i control the pain. where i hurt. when i hurt. how badly i hurt. by what means i'm hurt.

with depression i have no control over when i feel bad. or how bad it gets. or how it effects me. or how long it will last. sometimes it just gets to be too much.

i'm hurting regardless of whether i inflict injury or not. along with feeling the emotional pain, when i'm really bad off - like now - i have severe headaches, stomach aches, muscle tension, fatigue and even hives.

no amount of talking or sharing changes anything. i've been sharing my thoughts and feelings with a good friend for a year now. i'm closer to that friend, but no better off in my life.

i can't live life and be open at the same time. i have to close myself off. shut down. pull away. hide. the best way i know how to do that is to stop trying not hurt myself...and just cause injury.

i'm sorry. i'm not trying to be difficult or obnoxious. i started posting here a couple weeks ago because i knew what direction my life was taking. i posted here last summer and found it a great place of understanding and support.

i don't know. i know SI is wrong. but i'm taking medication and it's helping less and less. i've been in therapy and it never did any good. i've been hospitalized and came out far worse than when i went in.

i just need a little peace </font>