jbug,

I have said this to myself a thousand -- no, a million times. I broke my mother's rule about not going into people's houses. I really just needed a band aid. But if I had just gone home instead. If I had just listened. If I had just ... I would not have been bound and brutally abused.

... and if I had not listened to their threats, and gone back for more, again and again, that summer.

It was very, very hard in recovery to believe this was not my fault, to believe that I had not brought it down on myself.

But here are some of the reasons why it was not my fault:

I was overpowered.

I was afraid, and those who caused that wanted that, and were determined to provoke it.

I did not understand what was going on, what was done to me, or what it meant.

I was not being selfish, but those who abused me were being selfish.

I deserved respect, but did not get it.

I should have been able to trust, but someone betrayed that trust.

What was done to me was not about love or even sex, it was about violence and self-hatred.

I was lied to and I was deceived.

I was intimidated.

Adults should have protected me, but they did not live up to that responsibility.

Those who abused me were determined to do it. Nothing I could have done could have stopped them.

Anything I think I could have done to stop the abuse or avoid the abuse does not change the fact that those who abused me were wrong. They had the ultimate power to keep it from happening.

I should not have even been put in the position of trying to stop or avoid an abusive adult.

I would not expect any other child to be able to stop an abusive adult.

I was only a child.

I was only a child.

I was only a child.

I was only a child.


jbug, it was not you fault.

mtd