One of my Ts explained something to me along the way, and it made sense to me, anyway. I, too, have spent a lot of time/energy/feelings blaming myself for abuse which occurred. Abuse is so very, very difficult and complicated on so many levels, both at the time, and many years later. One of the hard things is that it was a situation in which we were out of control, and I think many of us (me included) look for ways to regain control in our lives as we go forward. When it comes to these incidents, we look back at them and sometimes take control of it in ways we can - assuming responsibility for it by saying we are to blame. But that's a painful way of taking control of the situation, and it's not healthy for us. The reality of it, hard as it is to admit, is that we weren't in control in that situation. Somebody else was. And it is sometimes easier to say that we were to blame, rather than to deal with the reality that somebody else had that control for that terrible moment in time. However, if we can come to grips with the reality that the responsibility lies with the abuser and it's not our fault --- and it never was --- it can be very freeing. Abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. These things are hard to contemplate, and over time, hopefully it will get easier and your T will help. I hope you'll gradually come to feel that you are and always have been free of blame, and the only person to blame here was the other person involved in the incident, jbug. Unhealthy adults make these choices, and they are the ones who are to blame. They are the ones who are responsible. You are free of blame, as are all children who have been abused. That's my thought about it, as a fellow survivor.

Please take extra-good care of yourself.

Take care,
ErinBear