I should mention that I'm not currently seeing a therapist (not until the Fall) so I'm kind of in limbo at the moment.

I've been thinking a lot about my 'old' pdoc (I haven't seen him in a while) and what was said in the few sessions where we saw each other. Basically, I've been ruminating over everything. Did I say the right thing? Was I able to convey the depth of the pain I feel?

I remember once he asked why I felt I hadn't accomplished the things I wanted. Do you know what I answered? Money! Yeah, it's sort of a reason, but at the heart of it is that I hate myself. I think I'm an ugly, disgusting loser who doesn't deserve any happiness in life. Those are the real reasons. But I didn't say that. I never said that.

Do t's and pdocs know how you're really feeling if you don't spell it out in words? I feel like he must have thought I was pathetic, or worse yet, faking it (I'm not. I am in a lot of psychological pain, I'm just not able to be very emotional just because I happen to be in a therapy session that day). He was very neutral towards me and because of all the feelings I've been having recently I assume he was this way, not because he's a professional, but because he must have thought I didn't deserve his help and was just wasting his time.

Now that I don't have anyone to speak to professionally, I feel like a lot of problems are building up and it's hard to see straight (without the depression talking).

The clincher is that I recently saw this acquaintance at a get together recently, who is a social worker in a psychiatric hospital, and she referred to her patients as 'crazy' and the other people at the party kept referring to her job as taking care of people who are 'f***ed up' and 'nutjobs', so I'm especially feeling ashamed of myself right now and wondering if I did the right thing by seeking treatment. I should have just kept everything to myself.

Since I'm not feeling well, it's been hard to organize my thoughts, so I apologize if I'm not being very coherent.