I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know what to post. All I know is that I desperately need some help.

I can't motivate myself to do anything anymore, which is completely out of character for me. If anything, I'm normally a workaholic to the point where I grind myself down to the bone. But now that I'm stuck back at my home for the summer, away from college and all the people who care about me, I feel more miserable than I have in years.

My life is confounded by grief daily, seeing reminders of my mom everyday. I miss her so much... she was the only person in my family, nuclear or extended, who even tried to help me emotionally. Now I'm stuck with my dad and I can't reach out to him; he's completely emotionally ignorant. I can't reach out to my 'friends' back here at home because they're usually off in some kind of drunken/stoned oblivion, and if I hang around them too much, I usually end up drunk myself.

I feel like I've wrtten the same exact things on here before, but the pain just keeps getting so intense, and the light and the hope so distant and faint.... I wanna curl up and disappear; it's hard for me at this point in time to wish I'd never been born. I can't escape this vortex of misery.

And what's worse, I'm screwing up the one thing that's given my life a profound sense of meaning. I'm officially halfway through my summer today, and I haven't gotten anywhere near halfway done on what I need to get done for the fall. I don't know what I'm writing my thesis on; I don't have a preliminary bibliography to work with; I haven't written any personal statements for grad school applications, nor do I even know exactly where I want to apply; I don't even have a f#$%ing job... I'm pathetic. I've sunken so low in these past two months. I just want to pause time and TAKE A BREAK FROM THE WORLD FOR A @#$%&$@ MINUTE!!!!!!!

Nobody cares, nothing matters, just need to get away...

~The pathetic entity known as J~