My mother was so, SO, obsessed about what others thought of her.
She raised me this way, and, though I recognize it, I still battle with it, especially those who have hurt me in some way. Even up to nursing her thru her teminal cancer illness, I had to listen to her obsessing about what other people thought. I did say to her, "It doesn't matter, Mom." When I was young, when I said that, I got whooped up on majorly, physically. But when she was with me in her illness, I said it kindly to her, hoping she would finally see. I really don't think she ever did.
As a result of my upbringing, I realize, I do!, that the fault is not always mine in hurtful situations in which I am the "victim" (and I refuse to label myself as victim). It is not always your fault, but our own personal histories can affect us so that we obsess on these things. Not good.
I hope you will work on this issue, as I have. I can honestly say that I have never intentionally brought about hurtful or hateful responses from people...truly. I have learned to brush it off and move on. I hope you can do the same.
Patty
I want to add, that by obsessing on the person you hate, you are giving them POWER.