I have been in partnership with a woman for 25 years. She was there when my (our) son was born. He is now 24 years old.

The relationship is . . . "complex" and I think I may finally be at the breaking point. I am trying to set boundaries and I need new strategies, specifically, I need to be able to communicate the feelings. Maybe this should go under the Dissociative forum but I feel I need a broader spectrum of responses (and yes, reassurance).

I think we are breaking up. I think this is going to be a long process. I think I should no longer tolerate what feels to me to be abuse.

Let me start from where i am standing now.

I ride my bicycle to work. It's summer, gas is too damned expensive and I can't afford car insurance anyway. So the car is parked.

Yesterday was payday. We ride to work together, stopping off at the bank. Because i work a "9-2-5" and she doesn't, she had previously been handling the faminly finances (issues). So we stopped by the bank and she went in (she keeps the atm card) so she could get some $. I waited outside with the bicycles. When she came back, I rode on to work. I had gotten to work and was waiting for the elevator when i get a call on my cell phone. It's her.

"I left the atm card in the machine" she tells me. "Can you call the bank and ..."

I said I would, proceeded upstairs (on the elevator), went to my desk, turned on the computer and while it is starting up I start making coffee. She calls again (less than 10 minutes had passed) and asks if I had called the bank yet. I tell her, no, i have to look up the number. She stresses the importance of it, says to cancel the card and I say "ok" and she hangs up.

Coffee's on, I'm at my desk logging into the website to look up the number and she calls again. "Have you called yet?" she asks. Only 10 to 15 (maybe) minutes had passed. I have the number. I am dialing. I tell her this. She hangs up. I talk to the bank people and they say they have the card, the manager has it and that i can come pick it up -- they ask when. I say lunchtime.

Partner calls back again. "When are you going to pick up the card?" she asks me. "Lunchtime" i answer.

Time passes, I'm happily (or unhappily) working when I get another call. "I'm walking up there. I need to do my walk today. We can walk up together. Bring your bicycle so you can ride back to work."

Ok, so I've got deadlines and commitments and maybe (well, ok, honestly I really do) I resent that she would intrude on my workplace space and functioning. I am accommodating. I readjust the schedule to meet her. She calls again. She's outside. I go downstairs with bicycle to meet her. We start walking. I get on the bicycle and attempt to ride very slowly alongside her. Well, I'm a bit wobbly.

She then starts to tell me how rude it is of me to ride the bicycle while she's walking, and that she would never do that to me. That the idea was that I would walk with her.

I hear her. I'm a bit hurt (I didn't think that this behavior -- riding the bicycle alongside her -- would be offensive) but I get off the bicycle and walk alongside her. She continues speaking, telling me how selfish I am. The conversation went on and digressed or devolved or whatever from there to the point where I say: Why are you so sensitive?

She becomes irate and goes into an angry (to me) tirade and then walks off. I can't understand the "over the top" behavior. Didn't I do what she asked? Didn't I get off the bicycle and walk with her? Why isn't she dropping it at this point?

i watch her ahead of me and she does, after getting some 30 - 40 paces ahead, turn around and ask me if I'm coming and says "you can ride your bicycle" and so I get on the bicycle and ride to catch up and as I am again riding alongside her, she continues to tell me what's wrong with me.

I say: "I tolerate you well." She goes off. "I don't NEED anybody to tolerate me" she says. yeah, my comment was out of line, maybe but understand that I am trying very hard to maintain control of anger in the face of what I perceive to be an onslaught of criticism -- much if not most of it unjustified. And truth be told, I have said very little, preferring to not get verbal and out of control. This totally pisses her off. She wants me to say something.

I'm not ever falling for that one again. But I do and did say "I tolerate you very well" and so she gets really angry and turns around at one point to confront me and tell me all about how awful I am. I think: "I don't need this %#@&#!; i don't deserve this %#@&#!. SHE, not me, needs the money.

I turned around and went back to work.

Well, I actually did take off work early, went by the bank, picked up the atm card and went home. So she is angry and upset. We go out to the porch to talk. She is telling me about myself. I want to leave. I stand to leave. She grabs me by the shoulders, pushes me back down into the chair and says "You're not walking away from me."

I did. walk away. and so she tells me she's leaving me. At this point I get totally pissed. "give me your keys" i answer. she didn't. I walked inside and locked the door.

Well, that's not the end of it but that is enough for right now.

this may seem like a "journal entry" and for now it totally is. The question on the table: Is this REALLY abusive behavior on her part toward me? Was it abusive behavior on my part toward her? Beyond that, and the core issue here is impacted by my tendency to dissociate. and If i can't recall and recite back to her exactly what she said to me in a given context, she seems to . . .

I'm tired. I'm trying to work through it. I need strategies. HELP!!!!!