You guys are all so great - I'm so touched that so many of you have taken the time to respond to me. Thank you... I'd hug you, but.... nah! (heh heh)

1) I am worn out. I've taken myself to the crisis center twice now (and probably should have gone on at least 3 other occasions) because I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I'm terrified that it's never going to get any better, and that I'll either be stuck in this situation for the rest of my life, or that I'll have to be the bad guy one day and break both of our hearts. We don't have any real friends here yet (as I said, we're new here), my family doesn't understand (they want him to snap out of it and be a man), and his mom lives far away and won't seem to accept that her son has a REALLY BIG problem. I've been worried that he's suicidal and called her, asking her to come out here, but she just says to let her know how he's doing after I've talked to him. Plus, I'm scared for my future. I'm 34 (he's 29). I wanted to be married and have a family by now. He says he wants to marry me and have kids, too, but obviously he doesn't have the same time constraints that I do. And since he doesn't really seem to be trying to get better (he says he is trying... but the logical and measurable steps haven't been taken yet), am I waiting for something that is never going to happen? I certainly wouldn't add the pressure of marriage/family while he's feeling this way, but I'm starting to doubt that he's ever NOT going to feel this way.

2) You know, Rapunzel, I think you're right about him feeling like the non-challenging jobs are pointless. I had previously been thinking that if he had a job, ANY job, that it would boost his self-esteem enough so that he could apply for better ones, but you have a good point that a pointless job might have the opposite effect. I'm going to think about that.

He has so many options to deal with the options, like vocational rehab, as you've mentioned. I've researched them all, got brochures, printed web pages, filled out applications for him... all to make it easier to take advantage of those options. But he never, EVER follows through. I have learned that my efforts to push progress initially alleviate my anxiety level, but then the result is that my anxiety ends up being even higher than it initially was, because now I've added an expectation that he's going to follow through on whatever I set up for him. And it adds more pressure for him, because now he knows that if he doesn't/can't/won't follow through with what I set up, he knows he will disappoint me, but his fear of failing/being rejected is still there, and it's stronger than his fear of disappointing me. So, for my own sake and for his, I have to stop being involved. I know this.

About feeling trapped... I think I feel more trapped than he does right now. I know that I wouldn't feel this much anxiety and pressure if he didn't live with me. Most of my stress is how I know that my parents and friends think that I am a sucker sugar-momma who doesn't realize that he is getting free milk. If he didn't live with me, then it would be much, much easier. I've asked him if he would consider leaving, if he wanted to temporarily move out, and he said it would make it so much worse. And I've thought long and hard about this -- and decided I can't kick him out anyway -- for tough love reasons or selfish reasons, I just can't do it. I'm terrified that he'd end up homeless. That pains me so much to even type the words - he's not someone who should be in this situation! He is so smart, has such a good heart. It really gives me a whole new empathy for homeless people, because I'm sure that all of them had dreams for themselves when they were younger, and life didn't work out the way they wanted it to. How many of them are probably depressed themselves? I imagine most of them...

I have GOT to do some work today. This is exactly what I mean. I can't control his joblessness, but I should at least be able to control my own. But I can't focus on anything other than this, lately. This is why I think I might be going bizerk.

Thank you, all you wonderful people. I have made some really good friends here. I appreciate all of you.

Your friend,
LMo

Ian is going to be a-ok!