<font color="#000088"> i want to hide! i'm so anxious at this very moment i wanna crawl right outta my skin. i have a doctor appointment tomorrow. the last time i saw this doctor was last year when i was involuntarily committed for self injury. he's the doc that prescribes my meds and wants to follow up.

i know it's no big deal. except i have to tell him the drugs aren't working well and now i have this insane anxiety that i can't live with. but i can't help being afraid he'll send me away again! i have self injured but not that badly. and i'm not going to tell him about it!!!! but i'm still scared. i expected it last time - i knew it was going to happen. i needed it to happen. but i don't want it now. i can't handle it again!!!!

i cut myself earlier on my hand. then i wrapped the razor up in a bit of paper towel and laid down with the razor in my hand and fell asleep. it was as if it were a comfort to hold it.

i know i've said before that cutting makes me feel strong. some times it does. but it's not tonight. i feel so alone. so incredibly alone. the people i love & who love me... i can't talk to.

i feel so incredibly insignificant right now. part of me wants my SI behavior to be as bad as it was last summer. i hurt myself beyond what words can express. but i'm frightened of it becoming that bad again.

i hate myself. i'm so incredibly useless. i'm going to lose everything because i can't pull myself together! it's going to be all my fault. when i have nothing, i'll only have myself to blame.

depressed one day...anxious the next...fine a day...lazy the next...am i ok or not...am i really sick or not....am i just a lazy loser?! just a pathetic lazy loser...

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