I hate when I realize I am repeating a behavior that my parents did.

I had become very passive with my kids too and this then increased the frustration level of my H and caused him to lash out and be more violent. I didn't like the anger and violence. My H blamed it all on me for not putting my foot down and spoiling the kids. It was really a bad situation that was escalating.

What I did at the direction of my T was to sit down with my H and say what things are the kids doing that is absolutely intolerable and must change. Together we were able to agree on a short list of things. Embarrassingly the things on our list were really simple. Ex: 1) kids must brush their teeth and be showered (washing ALL body parts) daily before 9:00 AM. There was no TV, computer, or friend until this was accomplished. We wrote the list up, I printed it and we both presented it to the kids and said from now on this is how it is going to be. The list was then posted in the bathroom and on the frig. The first week it was awful, the kids hated it. But the rules and repercussions were clear. I agreed to enforce them and my H agreed to enforce them without yelling or hollering. During the first week I had to disconnect the wireless router and disconnect the cable TV until my oldest got the message and brushed his teeth. But the house was quiet and anger free which was really a nice change.

For me the key was being assertive without being angry and yelling.