Hey! I'm new here. I've been lurking for a few hours now and decided to share my story. I have not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder yet, but it makes sense. Actually, my mother does believe I am suffering from one because of things from my past. She has a degree in psychology, so she sort of has an idea about these sort of things. Oh yeah, and I was diagnosed with ADD when I was younger.

Anyway, I'm 24 and never really thought anything of these feelings I currently have and have had for awhile. I also am good at hiding my feelings and emotions.

The truth is, I am okay in social settings where I'm not dealing with huge groups of people at once. I also can go out to stores and other places like that and not have panic attacks. However, if the group is supposed to be more personal, I don't always do well. I end up doing more thinking than talking because I can never seem to think of anything to say to butt in or have an opinion. I am also afraid of making a fool out of myself.

I have done activities such as marching band for fun, but I always get irrational fears about people. Since I am afraid of talking to people, I always hope people will come and talk to me, but that is not always the case. When I end up looking like a wallflower, I feel like such a loser. I always take it too personally, like I did something to get noboy to talk to me. I also always get the fear that nobody wants to talk to me because I'm not pretty enough. For example, as you can see from my icon, I love the show Grey's Anatomy and especially Sara Ramirez. I have a huge passion to meet her someday, but I am afraid she would look at me and be absolutely rude and not give me the time of day. However, from what I understand, she is not like that at all, and that's one reason I love her so much.

Phone calls have become nearly impossible because I just have the fear that people will think I'm an idiot for calling or like I am wasting my time. I think this is also affecting me from getting a full time job. I have graduated from college and have my B.A. in Communication Studies. I have a job I absolutely hate right now, but I can't quit because I have nothing else.

And does this just happen to me, or does it happen to others of you too? Sometimes these thoughts and fears I have get so intense that I end up in tears over absolutely nothing. I always believe I am not going to amount to anything at all. And so far, I feel like it's true.

I actually did not start having extreme panic attacks until 2 years ago. It was the weirdest thing ever. I had been going to college for 2 1/2 years, and everything was fine. Well, I ended up feeling uncomfortable and sick all the time, like I thought I was dying or having a heart attack and ended up going to the doctor quite frequently, but they could not figure it out because I was physically fine. I started skipping classes too because I was always in fear of being there, getting sick, and nobody noticing or caring. I even started making sure I was sitting somewhere in the classrooms where I had an easy out and would not disturb people.

Fortunately, things have gotten a bit better. That semester at school, my lowest grade was a C in geography because I skipped so much that I did bad on 1 test and did not complete some out of class assignments because I didn't know about them. I also went back for my senior year a bit happier and wanting to be more social. Like I mentioned in another post, I finally got up the courage to ask people if I could sit with them during meals at band camp. I mean, I should just realize that all we need to do so others can join is pull up another chair or maybe put multiple tables together.

Sometimes I have really good days where nothing bothers me, but lately I have been feeling more anxious. I think it is the job thing, plus my parents being on my case, as well as one of my 3 sisters. Today I am not having such a great day, but hopefully that will change. I think I am going to have to sit down with my parents and fully admit my full problems to my parents so maybe they can understand me better.

And sorry to make this even longer, but I do enjoy lots of different things from dancing and roller skating to going out to see different types of shows, shopping, and watching tv and movies. I can also be a bit of a goofball.