Thanks guys. I think I know what part of it is. I have been hiding for so long. Faking it. Not letting my family or my friends, or even my therapists and therapy group (back when I could afford them) see just how yucky I feel. And now I can't hide. It is going to be right there for her to see. My messy and filthy and ugly apartment a mirror of my messy and filthy and ugly life. So now she'll know -- but then she must already know, or she wouldn't be coming.

Oh God, I really miss me.